I Prefer my Life Don't Need no Other Man's Wife, Don't Need no Crazy Lifestyle with Stress and Strife

Well, I survived my first week

What the fuck happened to what I wrote here?
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Seriously, I tried to correct it, but it's not worth it. I was talking about surviving the first week of work, how much it sucks to go to bed at 9, how much it sucks to wake up at 5:30, and that about takes us to the part that didn't fuck up:

I got 6 hours of sleep every night. Except last night. My father rented Wild Hogs and turned it on just as I was going to bed. John Travolta? William H. Macy? Tim Allen...? It couldn't be that bad, could it?

It wasn't actually. I mean, cheap gags and gay jokes abounded and Martin Lawrence didn't utter a single unstereotyped word for the whole film (Climax of his character: Him:"Baby, don't you feel me right now?" Him's Wife:"Baby... I feel you."), but given that, it wasn't terrible. I enjoyed it. But I didn't enjoy getting up 5 hours later for work.

And now, here for your perusal, a sample day in the life:

5:30 - Swear and turn down radio before it wakes up family. Put on swimsuit, pinney, and socks. Put on shorts over suit. Pick out boxers and shirt to wear after work.

5:40 - Tip-toe downstairs, put on shoes and sweater, put clothes in backpack. Go to fridge, retrieve lunch and place in backpack.

5:45 - Urinate. Wash hands. Wish I was prettier at this time of day.

6:00 - Masticate large chocolate muffin while checking email. Pick crumbs off keyboard. Consume crumbs and work leftover muffin off of muffin paper for consumption.

6:15 - Wish I had time to masturbate. Brush teeth. Exit home from back door and bicycle through the cold to my work.

6:20 - Why am I always early for work? Maybe I could've... No, I couldn't. Chat with woman who signs out my keys. Go to my department office. Take off shoes, shorts, socks, sweater. Place lunch in fridge.

6:25 - Retrieve water bottles from pool deck. Go up 3 floors to best water fountain in the building. Fill bottles. Place Bottle #1 in fridge beside lunch. Bottle #2 comes with me back onto the deck.

6:30 to 6:55 - Open the pool. This involves numerous rooms, keys, pumps, hoses, valves, switches, dials, buttons, phonecalls, jugs of dangerous chemicals, and thoughts of how awesome it would be to go back to sleep.

7:00 - Unlock the door. There are always 2 or 3 people outside waiting already. At this point I delve completely into my assigned maintenance (why is this word not spelled 'maintainance'?) tasks for the day. I clean and tidy the equipment shed. I wash the pool deck (not easy with one of the main hoses broken). I wash the bleachers. I rinse the PFDs (not to be confused with lifejackets). I wax the slide (not a euphemism. We have a bottle of Turtle Wax for just this purpose).

7:45 - Having completed all of my maintainance (fuck you, spelling) tasks, I wonder what else I can do to avoid falling asleep. I usually settle for "sitting in my lifeguard chair watching people swim". While this is not always a successful sleep-avoidance strategy, it does have the advantage of making me the tallest person in the pool by 6 feet. I also spend much of this time thinking about getting laid, which makes for an uncomfortable few moments of adjustment if I need to get off the chair and do something (like save a drowning person or answer the phone). I occasionally have imaginary conversations (not a joke) about things that I'm thinking about. This only becomes problematic if the conversation turns into an argument and I suddenly find myself mumbling "HA! but..."

Note: Some days I am able to use a portion of this time to plan an Aquafit class. This involves taking a binder from my boss' bookshelf and stealing ideas from it until I have a cool-looking 45 minute workout. I can usually stretch this process out further by transcribing all of my stolen ideas onto a single sheet of paper (stolen from my boss' printer).

9:00 to 9:30 - My boss shows up and takes over the department office. We banter idly for 5-10 minutes and I tell her any problems I encountered before she arrived (the water level was 6 inches down this morning, the idiot working last night gave away all our cold packs to a girl who stubbed her toe so I had to steal replacement ones from other departments' 1st aid kits, etc). Eventually she leaves again to get coffee (or cold packs) and I go back to my chair.

10:00 - I, my boss, or some specially trained individual from another department teach Aquafit. For those of you unaware of the meaning of "Aquafit" think "25 old women watching to see if your junk falls out of your shorts while you jump around to CDs of (seriously) oldies, show tunes, or top 40 hits from 5-10 years ago all sped up to 110-140 beats per minute with an added pounding bass beat". If you can't contain all that in your head at once, don't come to Aquafit. And tell your grandma she's never going to see my junk because I always wear my "Assloads of Assloads" jockey shorts under my very loose university varsity swim team gym-shorts (stolen from the locker room of my university the only time I ever went to the gym there, along with a polo shirt which my friend [the fool] thought was the better steal).

10:45 to 11:15 - This is theoretically my lunch break. It is printed on the schedule as "POOL CLOSED FOR MAINTAINENCE". I usually spend the first 5 minutes chasing all of the old ladies out of the pool because they're starting to catch on that I don't actually do any work during that half-hour. Then, if I've just taught the Aquafit, I go and take a shower (the pool air is never colder than 29degrees Celsius and humidity is never below 50%). This leaves me a scant 10 minutes to eat my lunch. On days when I don't teach, I wag jaws with my boss while eating lunch. I went to the larger offices and checked my email on an unused computer once, but then some woman (likely the woman who works 9-7 by choice every day and eats at her computer)(Also, I can say "Some woman" because the only people who work in the larger office are women. I am one of 3 senior male staff members at my work) complained to my boss (also a woman) who then told me all about the "stigma of checking personal email on office computers". Luckily this gives me more time to talk to her in the office. About work. Awesome.

11:15 to 2:00 - This is the homestretch. Having been nourished, I am able to sit in the chair without sleeping. The first part of this time slot is spent watching (sometimes yummy) mommies and their small children play in the shallow end. After that I throw in the lane ropes for (guess what?) lane swim. And finally I take one out and leave the rest for senior swim. Senior swim is usually a cake-walk because I know most of the seniors and none of them actually want to work out in the water, so we end up talking at length while the sullen/active seniors do laps on the far side. Also, my boss leaves for a 3-hour lunch at some point during this time.

at 2:00 - I again repeat the ritual of loading senior citizens into catapults or attaching mechanical kicking devices to their rear ends in order to get them out the door so that I can lock it and go home. I get naked in the office, put on the clothes I brought, and GTFO.

Of course, for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this week I had to go back again at 4 for training with the rest of the pool staff (all of them, unfortunately, being far too young to be of any use). But today I came home, had an inspiration for a name for my new band (With Calder and Jay), worked on that, and then said "Holy fuck! I should write a post"